Firemen and Worship
2002-11-15 at 7:42 a.m.

 

Woo-hoo! All of you bow down and worship me. I have a perfect score. Nyeh.

*Beams*

Enough. Back to business.

I was listening to the breakfast news this morning and they were reading viewers comments about the firemen's strike. One of them was (and I grant you I paraphrase slightly):

'These firemen are a disgrace and they should be ashamed of themselves for not working and letting people die. So the government should sack them all.'

All I have to say is 'Huh?'.

So it's bad that firemen are on strike, because it means we have no one to put out fires. So what we should do is to sack all the firemen. So we have no one to put out fires.

Now far be it from me to disparage a fellow human, but you haven't thought very fucking hard about this one, have you?

God. Is there no one left who can string a simple cause-effect chain together anymore? Heads up people. Firemen in this country get paid less than me. D'you know what I do? I turn up at work for 7 and a half hours a day. I fix a few computers and change a couple of mice for people then I go home. Do I have to tell you what these men and women do? I'm ashamed I earn what I do when I think about it.

So. They're not paid what they are worth. So what do they do? Well, talking doesn't seem to work. An 11% pay offer linked to changes in working practices. Trust me, flexible working practices are not your friend. I have them.

Right. Here's the deal.

Firemen are worth £30,000. It's that simple. If they have to go on strike to get that, it's not their fault. It's the fault of their employers and the government for not paying them what they are worth.

Simple. Easy. I didn't even have to draw you a diagram.

Oh. I'm going to a comedy club tonight. Fun! It's important to get to a comedy club early so you can pick your seats carefully. You want to be in a good position to see the stage, but not so good a position that the comedian is going to fix on you.

Funniest heckle/retort I 've ever heard at a comedy club featured Lee Hurst (remember him? He was on 'They Think It's All Over'):

Heckler: Ahh, you fecking bald twat, you're not funny just cos you're famous.

Lee Hurst: Listen mate, we aren't on the fucking BBC now. If you carry on like that I'll just come down there and bash your fucking head in.

Simple. Effective. Charming.