I'm just going to let him Rest In Peace.
2002-12-10 at 8:08 a.m.

 

I'm tired. Tired, tired, tired. And I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm starting to feel self-indulgent that my friend's death is affecting me so much. There are so many people who've known him longer than me who seem to be doing ok now. Although, I am putting up a pretty good pretence around people, so I expect they think the same of me.

I'm not even actually sad yet. I've gone past the anger stage. I just walk around with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. What's that about? There's nothing to dread. It already happened.

Either the autopsy or the inquest is today. Can't remember which. There's a little bit of me that hopes they are going to find some incurable cancer or something, anything to give us an explanation. Is that really horrible? I guess it is.

I don't think it is going to be that though. I think hanging yourself is a big 'Fuck You' to anyone left behind. I think if it was health related a bottle of pills or some class A drugs would have been a more likely route.

I think I should stop thinking about this so much.

I have to find some money, to help chip in for the funeral.

I've decided that for now this will be my last entry about this. I have nothing new or revealing to say about suicide or its aftermath. I'm just doing the same as anyone else. And I'm not feeling very articulate about it either. I'm in the midst of writing him a goodbye, maybe I'll post that one day. It's equally likely I won't.

Here's something someone once said in a newsgroup I read:

'I find it sad, as in "a big stupid damned waste," and pointless, since they murdered their bodies and their bodies were not the problem.'
Rocky Frisco, on afp, 21st July 2002