Big Bad Secret. Oh yes.
2003-02-07 at 4:18 p.m.

 

I've been thinking. This is a diary right? I should write my secret things in here, right? Hmmm... maybe I will. Do you all want to hear my big, bad, secret? Do you? I bet you do. We all only read these things for the vicarious thrill and it's always better when the thrill is about bad stuff.

So yeh. I'm jealous of someone. Big, bad green eyed monster is eating me all up. It really sucks. And do you know who I am jealous of? Yeh, see this is the bit that really sucks. My step-daughter. Want to know why? Because that bit sucks too. Because she has a child.

I'm a bad person.

Don't misunderstand me. I love both of them to death.

But something has kicked in over the last few years. Maybe because I'm now with Mr Me, and because I'm a bit older. I want to have children. See. This bit also sucks. Because I didn't. And I told Mr Me I didn't. And now, I've told him I do. But I don't think he does. He says he does. But once, when very drunk, he said he only wants to have a child with me so I won't leave. And I'm not sure that's a healthy starting point. So yeh. He talks about it, and I mutter suitable responses, but I don't believe it will ever happen.

Big sigh.

So, it's the man I love, or the children I want. Sucks, don't it?

I've never told anyone this before. My best friend knows about the whole wanting/not wanting kids thing, but not about the jealous part. So why I'm choosing to write it where anyone can read it, is beyond me. I'm an odd creature.

Was this supposed to be cathartic? Because it's just made me sad.

Yeh. That's it. I want something I'm not sure I can have. And my step-daughter has the thing I want. And I get jealous. I don't mean to, but it creeps up on me. I really, really, really am not at all good sometimes.

I may delete this you know, and if you know me in Real Life(tm) you probably should forget you read this.